How to Support an Addict Who Refuses Help
Does someone you love struggle with addiction?
It is common to feel helpless when someone you love continues to struggle with substance use, even when it is negatively impacting their lives and the lives of those around them. You simply want your loved one to be better, happy and healthy. It is hard to watch them struggle, so we often want to do anything we can to help them.
However, with addiction, helping a loved one can be more difficult than expected as they have to make the decision on their own to make changes and to be sober.
It’s normal to struggle with lack of access to resources to help your loved one, lack of understanding of what your loved one is going through and experiencing, patience within yourself to continue to help, strains on relationships with your loved one, and difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries with what you are and are not willing to do for your loved one.
And even then, an addict may refuse help in a number of ways: verbalizing that they do not want help or will not accept help, pushing their loved ones away, causing arguments or disagreements in order to push them further away, or running away (leaving the state/town or simply starting to ignore calls/outreach from loved ones).
Here are helpful tips on how to support an addict who refuses help.
Hold your boundaries
Recognize that by holding strong boundaries, you are showing them that you are consistent (even if they don’t like the boundary you’ve set). Boundaries also help you keep yourself and your loved one safe.
Some examples of important boundaries include: not giving your loved one money, if they need items you could support them with obtaining the actual items rather than giving them cash (groceries, gas, etc.), not being around that person while they are actively using, only allowing phone calls during certain hours, and only providing transportation with advanced notice.
Educate yourself
Communicating effectively begins with empathy. The only way you can empathize with someone who is addicted (unless you are an addict yourself) is to learn what it means and what it entails.
People are often surprised to learn that addiction is a disease and not a choice. Other surprising things about addiction include the vast amount of people it affects, that it affects individuals from all backgrounds and demographics, that becoming sober is more difficult than many people think or expect, and that the makeup of an addict’s brain changes due to use of substances.
Ask questions
When supporting an addict who doesn’t want help, it is normal to feel frustrated, and to want to tell them exactly what they “should” or “should not” do. However, this is often counterproductive. Try to listen more than you talk. Ask questions that help your loved one feel seen and valued.
Here are questions to consider asking your loved one to help them feel valued:
- How are you feeling on your path to recovery?
- What about yourself are you proud of?
- What form of support do you need from me? Are there any areas where you feel you need additional support?
- What do you want your recovery and recovery journey to look like?
- What are you looking forward to in your recovery/sobriety?
Identify multiple paths forward
Not every addiction recovery resource is right for every person. Do your research to identify options for your loved one, whether those are meetings, inpatient vs outpatient facilities, detox, or another solution.
Presenting multiple options to someone who is actively addicted and seeking support is helpful because it allows them to have autonomy over their own life and decisions in their recovery. This allows them to feel in control and to take responsibility for their recovery and sobriety.
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It can certainly be a difficult thing to love someone who is addicted to any substance. It is a long and winding journey to recovery for the addict themselves and for their loved ones. Having unconditional love and patience for this person is important and will be helpful in supporting them through their recovery. Please be sure to reach out for professional support as needed, for yourself and your loved ones.
